Jul 292019
My dad died so I can live

There is a purpose to the lives we have, it is not an accident. This is what I have learnt about losing my dad as a child, and there is not one thing I would change about it.

Who are you? Who am I? Why did you choose me? Why did we agree to come here? There are so many lessons to learn, some easy, some hard. But all part of this life. All good. My dad died when I was only eight. Very suddenly. I only remember bits and pieces of him. Of our short time together.

Why did we choose this?

He built the most amazing sandcastles on the beach! He loved to play with us. He was fun. He let us hang on the clothes line in the yard while he swung it around. He built things with wood in the garage. He made wooden toys for a time and then kitchen cupboards. He was incredible with wood! And he always smelled of wood shavings. I love that smell! He loved me.

Why did we agree to this?

The night before he died he read to us from the Bible. I think he probably read from the Bible a lot, but I just remember this once. He read Psalm 23. The Lord is my shepherd. Don’t be afraid. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall not be afraid. Did he know that our Valley would start the very next day? He left the next morning, and then came back to say good bye again. That has continued to puzzle me for nearly 30 years. He felt it. His Spirit was telling him something.

Why did we choose that?

This little girl would really have loved having her daddy around to play with. To swim with and make cannon balls in the pool with her. This little girl would have loved having her dad pick her up at school some days and take her to the movies, or for ice cream. This young woman wanted her dad to walk her down the aisle. Wanted her dad to hold her little babies. To give them rides on his shoulders and build some toys for them.

Why did we agree to this?

A small group of us are together in the “choosing room”. We’re surrounded by love and oneness. I am choosing a life. It’s not an easy life. She’ll lose her dad very young, and years later also her mom. She’ll have a lot of big lessons to learn, and will surely struggle through the loss and grief, but she will overcome it. I will need co-players in this life, I can’t do it alone. Then you step forward and volunteer to take up the life of Dad. A life you will have to lay down again soon, so I can have this experience. So I can grow and learn the lessons.

That is why we chose this!

I am strong now. So strong. I can do anything, handle anything. I know I can. You gave me the strength to live. Though for long I was afraid. I was afraid of loss. I was afraid of life. But now, I can live, because you gave me life. This little girl misses the idea of the dad she could have had. But this woman wants to say thank you. Thank you daddy, for making the ultimate sacrifice, so I could grow into the powerful, free woman I am today.

Thank you for giving me what I needed the most.

Life.

Thank you for teaching me the most important lesson.

Love.

Thank you for showing me the most important time.

Now.

I still miss you, but I see your life and sacrifice in our lives today. I feel your blood in my veins, see you in your grandchildren, hear your voice in my heart telling me to live.


Reader Comments

  1. Wow! Just… WOW. You are an incredible writer and eloquent beyond. I felt every word. I hope you are planning a book my friend, I know I would buy it. I also hope beyond all words that we get to meet some day. It would be my honour to do so and to share a hug.

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